The Ex Factor

I met my 1st husband while I was backpacking overseas in my early twenties. We had one of those crazy connections, the kind, at least for me, that are incredibly rare...I've had about four.  He had a girlfriend back in the States waiting for his return home and was planning on marrying her. We began to have a passion-filled romance but I assumed it would end when he went back to the U.S. No skin off my back, I knew it was a temporary love affair. Despite our "understanding" he arrived in the States, called it off with his longtime love, and waited for me to return a few months later to proclaim his desire for us to build a relationship together.
It was fun and beautiful when it began, but from the moment he introduced me to his parents, things went downhill. I wasn't quite the nice, demur Jewish girl from a good home they'd been hoping for; and to be honest, they weren't my cup of tea, I actually hated tea. They were conservative and inauthentic and worst of all, my free-spirited, dreadlock adorning hippie boyfriend turned into a pathetic, pussy of a momma's boy before my eyes. His parents became a huge issue of conflict for us and we started fighting all the time about everything. Even though I was still the hot, untameable freak he fell madly in love with, he now wanted me to be different, he needed me to change and be a "good wife". He made lists telling me how to behave..."4) when you see my parents, you must approach them with a smile and hug them both. 5) you need to start wearing suits; skirt or pant suits." Yes, these exact words! I still have the list! Never mind that I managed a health food store and might have looked a bit ridiculous coming into work dressed like a corporate lawyer...douche bag! I just couldn't get it right with him and when things got real bad, he would compare me to his previous girlfriend, Sweet Betty Cocksucker, now she was perfect. I should have run away before we got married but instead I stayed and died a little more everyday; fading, withering, crumbling into just a shadow of my old self. I tried to fit in, to be what I imagined they all wanted me to be but I couldn't do it. He eventually left and moved back in with mommy and daddy but here's the topper, he and Betty Cocksucker got married 6 months after our divorce was final. But wait, wait...they married on the same date that him and I married a few years earlier, like a do-over or something deranged like that. Its all for the best, really, but this is where the yoga stuff comes in...
I start doing yoga and fell in love with a fellow yogi. We both had a daily practice and the yoga room felt like "our sacred space". It was a quiet, sensual place for us to connect in a raw and organic way with each other. I felt supported by the community, they actually seemed to be falling in love with the idea of us finding each other there and it was all so serendipitous.  The dreaminess ended one evening when his darling ex-wife showed up and set up to practice yoga directly in the row in front of me. What the fuck was she doing in "our space"?! I watched her the entire time, she was strong and graceful and what the fuck was she doing here? See, as painful as it was to admit, my boyfriend was not over her; he was still in love with this woman, the mother of his children and wife of 12 years. She had left him and without getting into too many details, he believed they had the "perfect" marriage. Now, everyone brings baggage to a relationship but mine was hundreds of miles away married to his Betty Cocksucker. My boyfriend's however was right here with us, how cozy! All my insecurities came rushing in during that class, not only because my gut told me he wasn't over her but because of what had happened in my prior relationship. My husband had gone back to his ex and I couldn't help but remember and be afraid that the same thing would happen again with this guy. After class, I approached the teacher and voiced my displeasure. I told him not to welcome her and not to encourage her to be here. I begged for him to ask the ex to never return and explained that this was "our sacred space" now, she didn't belong. He was understanding but she was there the next week and I believed my requests had fallen upon deaf ears. Again and again she returned and when the same teacher I'd asked for help took her mat, placing it just inches from mine, I realized the nightmare was just beginning. For months, I took myself through poses but always kept an eye on her. I'd see her struggle and I'd step right up, not allowing my body to shake or quiver in the most intense moments. Each class I'd set out to prove I was better and stronger by holding a pose longer or softening so deeply to show my flexibility that I'd be temporarily paralyzed for the remainder of the day...I wasn't practicing yoga anymore but I was engaged in an all out battle, an intense competition with this woman. (Note: I'm pretty sure his ex had no idea she was actually involved in any competition with my lunatic self.) It was heart-wrenching. I'd completely lost my practice to this woman and now I was terrified I would lose this man I'd slowly come to love.
As the months rolled on, I began teaching at the studio. I loved it! I was able to reignite my passion for yoga through this process and though my boyfriend and I struggled a lot, we managed to stay together. His ex-wife was still there but she never attended the classes I taught and I felt less distracted by her presence. One day I was asked to sub a class and just as I was about to start teaching, the door opened and in walked the ex. My heart jumped and plopped down into my stomach, no fucking way!!! Okay, she wouldn't stay once she saw me, no way, uh-uh, nope...wait, ooooh, she was staying, holy crap. The nerve! Now what? I had to give love to all the students, I had to focus on being a conduit for healing, I had to be a teacher. As class began, I broke out into a serious sweat even before the students had a chance to finish their 1st Sun Salutation. I watched her as I led them through a series of flows but tried my best not to focus too much on her presence. It was difficult but I got through the class and was able to feel the love and gratitude for the students there. At the very end, everyone lay in Savasana and with great trepidation I approached her. I didn't know what would happen, maybe she'd smack me in the face or just get up and leave, but I went there. I gently placed both of my hands on her head and reached into the depths of my heart and dug in for all the love I could find to give her in that moment of contact. She lay there, and in stillness allowed me to love her. Despite the fact that I wanted to hate, to be angry; it just wasn't there anymore. And wouldn't you know it, 5 years later and his ex has become my friend, my dear wonderful friend.
This was a turning point in my life and as a yoga teacher. I realized that in order to be a good yoga teacher, one must teach from the heart. And if the heart is full of anger and/or fear, then we are incapable of bringing what I believe is a central ingredient to the students; pure love. This was also a time in which I came to understand that the yoga room is indeed a sacred space for us. It is a place to practice; to laugh and cry, to find love and heal heartache, to build friendships and sever unhealthy relationships, to explore our genuine selves and find acceptance in who we are today, and yes, to share this space because indeed it is our sacred space, all of ours.

~namaste


~ the thoughts and opinions expressed above are solely mine and are in no way a reflection of those who are more highly evolved

blah into ahhh

This was not the best morning...I woke up late only find a new zit had magically appeared overnight to greet me in the bathroom mirror; I should have known right then . Rushing around the house, I barely made it on time to teach yoga class, and was unprepared. I'm always prepared, today was an exception. I spend hours thinking about flows and music, moving myself through all kinds of transitions until it feels just right; and then consider the time of day, students that consistently attend the class, and weather.  Yes, I even consider the weather, some might say I overly prepare. This is the way I do it so that I can truly pay attention to the students when I teach, not worrying about the details of anything else. Well not today. And then, as this catastrophic class was finally coming to an end and the students could lay to rest in Savasana, I hear a few loud conversations outside the door from people awaiting the following class. They were excited, not really aware of the people on the other side, needing a few moments of quiet and stillness before they went on with the rest of their busy day. I opened the door and asked people to please be quiet and they were more than cooperative, as they always are (THANK YOU)...except for 1. Every week, twice a week, I hear that voice echoing through the entire studio, through the walls and windows and doors. Each time, it happens while the students I am teaching are in Savasana and each time I ask "the voice" to please be quiet and each time she gets angry at me, huffing and puffing and using hand gestures that I interpret to mean "fuck you bitch".  Today I reached my boiling point! I had 2 obvious choices, I could either go out there, get in her face, and request that this person "shut the fuck up for the zillionth time" or I could just remain calm with my students and leave peacefully. I did neither. I did not confront her, I stayed with my students, but as for "walking away peacefully", not quite. I was steaming in my head, annoyed and pissed off, nothing peaceful about it. I left the studio quickly, wanting a do over and feeling terrible. I did not teach the quality of class in which I leave knowing that I did my best and I was angry at myself that I let "the voice" upset me so much. Off to my 2nd job, dog walking...ahhh, I could walk it off with some sweet puppy love. Nope, that didn't happen either. After a rather unpleasant conversation at the beginning of our walk, my phone got wet and starting dialing random numbers and codes. Ok, just a phone, just a conversation...but wait, I had a brilliant idea! My phone was already behaving like a she-devil, I'd get rid of it, get off the grid a bit, let fuse burn and destroy it. I got into my car and decided it I needed a cigarette, not happening either; I'd brought a smoke but no lighter. As I entered the driveway to our house, I took my phone and threw it as hard as I could, it actually felt good, awwlright, the day was getting better already. I spent the next hour chilling with my dog and calming down before I headed out again to teach another class. I'd worked out the kinks from the morning flow and was prepared for this one. However, when I entered the room and was stopped by a student who rarely attends the classes I teach and asked "what happened to you?", for this, I was not ready. Huh? "You used to be so rock and roll, your classes, you dancing...what happened to you?" Um, wow, really, okay then. Yes, that's what greeted me at the door. Felt soooooo good! I "used to be so rock and roll, what happened" to me?  Are ya kidding? I guess I'm just an old miserable, dated bromide. Okay then, let's start class, yippee! Oh, by the way, rule number 1, please don't insult the yoga teacher right before she's about to teach a class for you, please. Needless to say, it turned out to be a great class, I gave all that I had and it was a good learning experience. Necessary? No. Good lesson, I think yes.
I left feeling alright and headed to Verizon...let's just skip this part 'cause I know you have all been there and I need not elaborate on the experience.
Home again, I wasn't ready to throw in the towel just yet. I dressed and hydrated and headed off to take an hour and practice some yoga on the mat. It was amazing how all the little annoyances of the day seemed to roll right off of me with every drop of sweat. I worked hard, I got out of my head, and closed my eyes in Savasana knowing I had a chance to rest and recover from more than just the physical practice.
I stopped by my mom's house on my way home. Not only did I get warm welcome but she had made me the best vegan raspberry pie ever baked on this planet. A little later, my husband and I went for a walk on this suddenly beautiful evening and we spent the rest of the night chilling together with our 3 animal companions. Every breath is truly an opportunity to start again...and again, and again.

~namaste

...and yes, I've prepared for tomorrow and no, you are not "the voice" behind the door

~ the thoughts and opinions expressed above are solely mine and are in no way a reflection of those who are more highly evolved

The Practice

My Sweet Yoga Journey

Golden droplets

Bundles of light

Swarm around my body and out

Into the air

Moist and hot and full

Of you and me and all of us

Separate and apart

And together we are

Pools of sweat

The residue of where we come from

Evidence of what we are

And are not

And want so much to leave behind

The pain that seeps slowly out

With each breath

Leaking

Frozen ice

Slowly melting into

Tears from my eyes

From the body I carry

And the memories of suffering

And the hate and the horror

And fear

Thawing my cold heart

And then gone

Dissolving unnoticed and quietly

Without sound

I mourn among strangers

Who know nothing of me

Too close

Within reaching distance

But never would I hold out my hand

Before

Today

Letting you lead me

With your words and my heart

Not quite open

But peering out

Tasting the freedom

Of what it may be

To let go

To stop holding on

To climb out of my lonely darkness

And into love

I stand as a warrior

And survivor

And listen to the flow of breath

Sweet ocean sounds sweep me away

And I can close my eyes

I want to be unafraid

To truly open my heart

And to feel something

To connect

Even in my fear

And out of my fear

I bend backwards

And reach to the sky

Knowing I may fall

Again

And I go

To my edge.

By me

~ the thoughts and opinions expressed above are solely mine and are in no way a reflection of those who are more highly evolved

A DAY TO REMEMBER...

It was a beautiful morning, not a cloud in the sky and I began to brush my teeth when my phone rang. It was my friend Jamie calling. "Go to the roof, there's a fire at the World Trade Center and you can see it from there". I still had my toothbrush in my mouth and took the phone with me as I climbed the stairs to the top of my apartment building. There it was, a fire at one of the towers. There was another man on the roof with a camera, he ignored me. I still had Jamie on the phone,"what happened?" I asked, and he told me that a small plane had hit the Tower. I kept brushing my teeth and listened. Wait! What's that plane doing? Jamie was talking into the phone but I couldn't hear him. There was a plane and oh my god, it just flew into the other tower, oh my god. I looked at the man standing next to me and asked,"Um, did you just see that plane fly into the building?". He said he wasn't sure. "What?! That huge, gigantic plane? It just purposely flew into the building, you didn't see that?!?" I told Jamie we were under attack and the line went dead. I ran down to my apartment and got onto my computer. I wrote my parents a letter explaining what I had just seen. I told them I thought we were under attack and that's I'd just watched a big black plane intentionally fly straight into the World Trade Center and that the phones were not working. I told them that I loved them and that I loved my sisters and I said my final good-bye. I closed the windows, kissed my animal companions and told them to be safe, that they would be taken care of. I ran downstairs to the street and somehow ended up in the dog park. A co-worker spotted me; he told me to go home, close the doors and windows and wait, he didn't know what was happening either but we needed to get inside. A plane flew over and we ran, crouching in terror, running until it was out of site. Finally we slowed, walking silently, hand in hand, back towards my apartment, watching the towers burn and the people jumping and the ladders glittering in the bright sunshine and then it all started to crumble. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...my brain could not grasp the magnitude of what was happening. There were no words, just sounds emanating from my soul. The ladder was gone, the building was gone...there was just smoke, tons and tons of smoke and paper and clothes flying everywhere. People were falling to the ground, running away, dialing their phones desperately trying to reach somebody, anybody. Sirens blared as I bid farewell to my temporary comrade and stumbled back to my building. As I began to climb the stairs, I noticed all the other tenants doors were open; I kept going. When I got to my floor, I could hear my neighbors TV on. I peeked in, there were 6 people silently staring. "Are we under attack?" I asked.  "Maybe, come sit with us". I went for my animal companions and returned. We all sat together for hours; waiting, crying, and wondering what our fate would be while we helplessly watched the fate of our neighbors and friends and loved ones, wishing for someone to tell us what to do. Seven people, for years living just feet away from each other and remaining strangers until the moment when we all became instantly aware that we didn't want to die alone.
September 11th, 2001.
That was 10 years ago, an event that changed the world and changed our lives. Now I am here, trying to find some wise words to share about that day, some great yoga lesson to pass on and inspire...but I've got nothing. While it was a day where ordinary people rose out of the rubble and became heroes and survivors, it was also the worst day in the history of my life and many others. It was senseless and terrible and although some may find the lessons in this tragic event, I still have not come to a place where I can somehow spin this horrific day into anything but what it was, a day in which thousands of beautiful lives were lost.
Let us remember and let us be kind to all other beings, may peace prevail..."lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu"

"May all beings everywhere be happy and free and may the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and freedom for all"

namaste ~


~ the thoughts and opinions expressed above are solely mine and are in no way a reflection of those who are more highly evolved

Embracing Anxiety

When I was 6 years old, my father thought it would be funny to scare me. I remember brushing my teeth, jumping onto my bed to await story-time and BOOM! He had crawled into a small space between my bed and the wall.  He lay there quietly and motionless and as I inadvertently peered over the side of my bed I spotted a pair of big black shoes. He screamed "rhaaaaaaaa" and then popped up in my face. Fucking hilarious, right?! Not really.
From that moment forth, I insisted on checking under my bed, in my closet and behind the doors every night before I went to sleep. Sometimes I even checked my drawers, not that anyone could actually fit into them, but just in case.
I have no recollection of ever feeling safe after that. I know whole heartedly that this incident alone did not cause me to develop anxiety/panic disorder, but it sure helped send me on the way. I wasn't conscious of it until I was an adult but I was actually acting out of anxiety from an early age. I became hyper-vigilante about my surroundings, not just my bedroom. I was keenly aware of what was going on around me at all times and even positioned myself to feel protected; seeking corners in a room so no one could sneak up behind me, aisle seats at the theater so I could run out, and my bed was pushed firmly against the wall, no space for anyone to fit between it and the wall. I began to have aversions to certain activities, at the time, not comprehending that I was afraid, but rather thinking I just didn't like doing them for some other reason. I lived a normal life, no one, not even myself, understood that I was trying to avoid certain feelings, trying to somehow control the environment around me and working tirelessly to create a sense of safety.
In my teens, I unknowingly self-medicated. I was a pot-head, mmmmm yea, loved the grass from morning 'til night. Not much bothered me, not much anxiety over anything 'cause I was pretty much stoned for about 6 years. Fun times from what I can remember.
When I was in my early 20's, I met my first husband (yea, I had a first). Everything was "normal" for the first few years and then I stopped smoking dope...what the fuck was normal now? I became a walking nerve-ending. Without getting into the details, my life became imprisoned by my fearful mind. I avoided any and all situations that might provoke feelings of discomfort or lead to a panic attack. I sought therapy and was officially diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder but refused medication, I didn't want to be one of those people, all spaced out and mentally ill; I just wanted to stop being afraid all the time. Things eventually became so unbearable that I took a 9 hour drive from my home on the East Coast to Michigan so I could see a therapist that I trusted to start my recovery. I call it recovery because in a sense, I felt that I was recovering pieces of myself that I'd lost when anxiety took over my life. I began to find parts that had withered away and breathe new life into my being. For the first time in 3 years, I was able to get on an airplane and fly to my favorite place on Earth for a vacation...of course, on the way back, my husband decided to divorce me. Oddly enough, from that moment on, I didn't have another panic attack for 5 years. What do ya' know! Adios douche bag!
Eventually, I moved back to Michigan and the love of my life found me at a yoga class. When things started to get "serious", we took a vacation together and on the way home got into a huge fight (yes, I know, same scenario but different guy and we were in a car not a plane). We were fighting and I was driving when wham, bamm, holy crap I'm gonna die! I couldn't breathe. My heart was racing and I was sure I was having a heart attack. I pulled the car over and stumbling into a field, crawled into a ball and begged my boyfriend to call 911. I still remember the look on his face, "is this a joke?!" I realized rather quickly that it was not a joke at all but indeed it was my old nemesis rearing its ugly head. "Why hello Panic, its been a long time".
Our ride home was long and silent. I was ashamed and mortified by what I had let my boyfriend see but more than anything, I was determined not to let my panic and anxiety destroy my relationship and control my life again...and so I didn't.
Six years later we got married and six and a half years later I am still battling this excruciating but no longer debilitating disorder. I rarely have full fledged panic attacks but I know I am not immune to them. They have come and gone over and over throughout the last several years but I am better. I take risks and I am afraid but I am living my life and I have found this wonderful thing called courage.
With the combination of medication, yoga, and behavior therapy, I have the tools to do the work it takes not to overcome my anxiety and panic but to embrace it; to shift my understanding that it is no longer my rival but my persistent teacher. With fear, I get the chance to be brave, and with discomfort I have the opportunity to be present. I am able to appreciate things that may seem inconsequential to others but are little victories for me everyday. My struggle has afforded me the ability to have compassion and empathy in a way that makes me a better human being, better friend, and better yoga teacher. For each day I wake-up I am grateful, even on a "bad" day. For every friend who allows me to love them, I do it and I love them wholly and hard without judgement. And for every time I step into the yoga room to teach a class, I am overwhelmed with gratitude to be a part of something so magnificent...a room full of warriors with strength and awareness, beauty and grace, courage and perseverance, love and acceptance and finally...a space to feel safe.

Namaste-

~ the thoughts and opinions expressed above are solely mine and are in no way a reflection of those who are more highly evolved

Yoga Etiquette...10 do's and don'ts

Have you ever been on your mat and each time you open your lungs and inhale into updog, you think you might barf from the smell wafting through the air? Been sitting quietly on your mat before class and someone decides they need to tell you something really important just before your practice begins?  Or you're in the middle of Sun Salutation A when a student interrupts, flops their mat onto yours and requests you make space for them? Now I realize these are wonderful opportunities to come to your breath and really practice yoga but these are also unnecessary since yoga can be challenging enough without these unfortunate experiences. There are certain behaviors and courtesies that help make our experience in the yoga studio and on our mats a little sweeter; there are others that make it just a bit unpleasant or even slightly repulsive. I'm referring to Yoga Etiquette. Below you'll find a list of just some of the things to keep in mind to improve the yoga environment and help you avoid becoming a social pariah at the studio.
10 do's
1. Arrive 15 minutes prior to class.
2. Come hydrated and prepared, with a mat, towel, and water.
3. Eat something light 3-4 hours before you practice.
4. Shower (or at least a sponge bath) before class, a clean sweat is the best kind.
5. Follow the elevator rule; wait until the students from the prior class exit the room before charging in to get "your" spot.
6. Set an intention to be kind and compassionate to all those you come in contact with (even the one who took "your" spot )
7. Use the bathroom before class starts. ***exception: If you need to go number 2, wait til everyone else is in class and always do a "courtesy" flush.
8. If you are talking with others before a class starts, keep the volume to a minimum, a whisper if you will.
9. Place your mat in a spot that makes sense for the whole room and be flexible about sharing your space or moving your mat to accommodate others.
10. If you need to leave early, let the teacher know before class, exit the room before other students come into Savasana and always make sure to take Savasana for yourself before you go.

10 (oh, I beg of you) Don'ts
1. Don't come with stinky stuff. Smell your clothes, mat, and towel at the end of every class. If they smell like "ass", go home and throw them away or soak them in white vinegar with hot water for at least 7 hours. It often takes the heat and humidity to know what odors are lurking. If you are unsure, ask someone you trust to take a whiff.
2. Avoid eating garlic or anything with garlic at least 12 hours prior to class.
3. Don't use the studio as a your primary pick-up joint (unless its a Singles Yoga Workshop). Its okay to look and be friendly but avoid becoming a predator.
4. If you arrive late, don't disrupt the teacher or students in the middle of a flow. Stand or sit near the door quietly until there is a break or the students have stopped flowing. You may then kindly ask someone if they will fit you in and give thanks.
5. Don't put your hands on other people in class. If a teacher asks you to adjust someone else, you may use your own discretion but don't take it upon yourself to touch other students (unless of course you have prior mutual consent).
6. Avoid wearing clothes that reveal your gennys or are prone to an areola peek-a-boo show. No one needs to see how big (or little) your privates are.
7. Don't verbally instruct the person next to you how to do poses. You can always just be an example by slowing down and letting them follow.
8. Don't decide to have a chit-chat during a class. If you need to have a conversation, wait until after class and then be mindful of what you discuss in the studio. Avoid gossiping and critiquing students and teachers. Its not good for anyone.
9. Leave your phone out of the studio if possible. Inform those that need to know where you will be in case they need to reach you. Of course there are exceptions.
1o. Don't feel like you are an outsider or don't belong...we are all exactly where we are supposed to be.
Namaste-

~ the thoughts and opinions expressed above are solely mine and are in no way a reflection of those who are more highly evolved