Yoginis have road rage too

I had just finished teaching a morning yoga class followed by a private and was feeling relaxed and joyful. Normally in the warm weather, I ride my bicycle to work but I had my car this day so I could run some errands that were out of the way. As I was almost finished backing all the way out of the parking space, I heard a honk.  Wow, didn't realize the car was approaching so fast but I was already in the middle of the road, about to shift into drive, so I quickly stepped on the gas pedal and headed down the road.  The "honker" was trying to get around me but it was a 2 lane road with a 25mph speed limit, so she couldn't get by.  Instead of backing off, the she decided to get her car as close as possible to mine and then lay on the horn for about a minute.  Hmmmm? This was starting to bother me.  I looked in the rearview mirror and did what my mom had taught me. I slowed down even more but my action only infuriated her, again laying on the horn and getting her car way too close. I held on tight, awaiting the brutal force that would occur as her car mounted mine from behind.  My blood started to boil, road rage setting in. As the light approached I prayed for it to be red so I could have a little talk with the honking bitch.  My prayers were answered.  The light turned red and she was taking a left, now we were next to each other.  We needed to have a chat. I rolled down my window and honked, yelling to her, "hello?!, hello, please roll your window down."  Nothing.  She wouldn't even look at me.  Fine!  I got out of my car and tapped on her passenger side window, "excuse me, may I have a word?".  Still no response, nada, not even a gaze or a finger, nothing!  I was not gonna' stand for this.  The light turned green and I ran in front of her car, she wasn't getting away with this, I had to teach her a lesson. I got to her driver's door and knocked on the window, she stared straight ahead.  I reached for the door handle and it opened.  Holy shit, face to face.  "Excuse me, do not ever use your car to bully me.  Do you understand? ITS JUST NOT NICE."  She still wouldn't make eye contact but she did pick up her phone and start dialing.  I walked away, leaving her car door open and wondering if I'd get picked up by the police 'cause I was sure that was who she was calling.  I didn't care.  I think we had a good chat and I drove away feeling a little like a hero. I taught her today, she might think twice before doing that to someone again.  A car is not meant to be used as a weapon.  Hmph!
What? oh the yoga student that was sitting in the car behind me watching the whole thing?  Oh him.  The man I just finished a private with? Yea, didn't realize I was being observed. Cool yoga teacher looses her shit in the middle of an intersection. It probably looked like I was gonna carjack her. Huh? Well, I think I did the right thing. Right? Maybe? I mean it was controlled rage. I didn't curse or physically assault anyone, I just said what I felt and acted like a lunatic in the process. I suppose I could have handled it a little differently.
I stopped for a fresh juice on my way home and met up with the yoga student. I didn't have a chance to explain before he spoke,"you're insane, you could have been killed, you lost your shit on that person". I reasoned that it didn't matter because I was standing up for myself and for all other people that get bullied or harassed by someone who doesn't care about anyone but themselves. I still believed I was right and justified in what I did, I didn't see any harm in it at all.  My student thought it was hilarious, couldn't stop laughing and proceeded to talk about it ad nauseam.
As the hours passed, my adrenalin dissipated and my mind changed. Did I really need to confront this woman? Did I need to act recklessly? Did I even need to act at all? And where was my breathe in all of this?
I confessed to my husband, hoping it would relieve some of my doubts.  He said he was proud of me that I hadn't cursed.  He said I was growing but still a little nutsy. He felt what I did was unnecessary. He was right, again. 
I tried to relieve my guilt by saving some worms drying up on the sidewalk and being extra friendly to everyone, but none of it helped. I hadn't acted like a yoga teacher and was ashamed. This sucked. There was no chance for a do-over but I believe things happen for a reason, we just have to look.
It wasn't difficult to find something to be learned.
First, I came to understand that sometimes the greatest, most meaningful action we can take is through non-action.  To embrace the belief that the universe will take care of things and we don't always have to get involved or manage all situations is so liberating. Confrontation can be healthy but always ask yourself why you need to confront someone, what the purpose of the confrontation is and then make a thoughtful choice. If it feels imperative and just can't wait, DEFINITELY step back, breathe, and then walk away...at least for a while. 
Secondly, this was a missed opportunity to practice empathy and compassion. We don't know why people do certain things and we need to have compassion for them, even when they act like complete douche bags. We have no idea what their day was like and what they had to deal with before we came in contact with them. Whether its in the yoga studio and a student comes in late, interrupting your practice as they unfold their mat right onto the corner of your own or its the crazy driver on the road giving you the bird or the crabby waiter acting like you are a pain in their royal butt; we can choose to act from compassion rather than calling forth our defenses and exacerbating an already shitty situation.
If it happened again, I wish I could say I'm sure I would handle it differently because I now know better. But I don't know honestly what I would do. I can't stand being bullied by anyone, especially someone in a 2 ton vehicle, its so cowardly.  Ya see? I still get all riled up just writing about what happened. I guess the only thing left to do is keep on practicing, remembering the lessons, and trust the universe... gotta hunch I may get the chance to try again someday.

Does Size Really Matter?

The age old question, "does size really matter?"  I don't even take a breath before I say "yea duh!".  In this society, size matters in almost every aspect of our lives.  From the minute we are born our stats are announced.  We are this long and weigh this many pounds and it doesn't get any better as we move through life.  Weight and height always matter but then comes more.  For women, the size of our jeans, our boobs, our thighs, and our wardrobes are used to assess what kind of person we are.  Its not any easier  for men: the size of their wallets, their house, their car, and yes, of course, their gennys, all become a measure of their manhood. Even the size of our animal companions seems to dictate what kind of person we are.  Big man with little dog vs big man with big dog...'enough said?  And the man with the little sports car or the woman with the big mommyvan? You get what I'm saying. 
But how does this basically rhetorical question relate to yoga?  Unfortunately, in every way imaginable.  Now as I side note, please understand this is just my opinion and does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of those who are more highly evolved. 
So back to yoga and size...in particular the size of our ego and the size of a class.
The ego, a person's sense of self-importance.  This is a tough one, for students and teachers.  If we can do a pose and remember a flow and get up into that handstand, big huge points for the ego.  Hold a pose for longer than everyone else, SCORE!  Get through a class without taking child's pose or a sip of water, egos are flying high.  But really, come on, its just yoga and moreover, yoga is meant, designed specifically to let go of our egos.  Maybe you don't measure your success as a student based on these things but lots of people do.  I am totally guilty of doing this and for a really long time that was part of what drove my practice. Now only every once in a while do I find myself creeping down that path but as soon as I recognize it, hello child's pose. The more our egos depend on how "good" we believe our practice is or how much "better" it is than someone else's, that's the moment we cease practicing yoga.  I'm not saying in any way that we shouldn't take ourselves to new edges, but rather that the yoga room is a place to practice strength, compassion, and love; not to build our egos.
Ego comes into play for students but also in a huge way for teachers in regards to the size of the classes we teach.  Oooooooooh, this is gonna be tricky and sticky but the truth may set us free. When I first started teaching yoga, I used to wonder if anyone would show up.  I don't mean anyone specific, I mean any actual human being.  If there were 10 students, I could breathe a sigh of relief and come home dancing, I was a success, lahh dee dahhh dee dahh.  My boyfriend at the time would remind me ever so gently, "babe, take it down a notch and don't get too excited. What happens when you don't get that many next time?  Try not to get too effected by the numbers and just teach."  Yea, yea...blah blah blah. But of course as it turns out he was right.  I'd come home pathetic, weeping that nobody liked me and I was a terrible teacher and I was gonna get fired 'cause only 5 students showed up for a class.  It was an emotional roller coaster for me (and I suppose for him too).  It got to the point that I'd start having panic attacks before class, now praying not only that students would show up but that I wouldn't also drop dead in the middle of teaching a class from heart palpitations.  In between teaching, I would visit doctors' offices, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, always being told that physically I was fine but might want to do something about my stress level.  What the fuck!!!  I was teaching yoga and becoming a stress case, how much more ridiculous could this get?!  Oh, there was more ridiculousness to come.  As I continued to pour all my energy into being the best teacher I could be, my classes began to grow.  I was able to focus on teaching and the students that were present rather than worrying about myself and who wasn't there.  I started teaching more and the average class sizes kept growing...that was until the now infamous break-up.  My boyfriend dumped me and I was a mess.  He was a student at the studio and my focus was now on my misery and letting him know the depths of it.  Every song played was meant to send him a message, every flow designed for him, and the only thing that I noticed was if he was there or not. I failed to realize I was actually subjecting all the students to these things I had meant for just him.  But the students, in fact, did notice and numbers starting trickling back down. People left classes crying, not because they were healing themselves or feeling something deeply but because I was puking up my miserable depression onto them.  By the time I got myself back together, the class sizes had shrunk to about half of what they had been.  I thought I had no ego left, just a strong desire to make teaching yoga and helping others my life mission.  Classes grew, my connections to the students deepened, and I was more present than I'd ever been.  Over the next year, I started teaching classes that would fill the room, sixty, seventy, even eighty people showing up to do yoga.  And here's the more ridiculousness I was referring to; I started having panic attacks right in the middle of teaching a class because there were now so many people there and it freaked me out!  As I'd carefully maneuver my way through the students, I'd begin to feel the pressure building. I knew they were waiting for me to say the right thing, expecting me to be something they needed and I would start to panic.  Wondering if I'd faint, collapse, or just die; oh shit I couldn't breathe. I'd sit down in the corner with the stereo and stay there for the rest of class calling out the next pose, one after another while I silently wondered how long it would take EMS to come and save me. And now that I'd had one, they started coming more frequently.  If I knew it was going to be a crowded class, I'd look for a way out, wanting to teach but so afraid.  Oh the fucking numbers.  Too big, too small...never quite right.  I took 2 weeks off and started behavior cognitive therapy and got some medication to take "as needed".  I returned to work and practiced teaching with fear and eventually the panic attacks subsided.  Its been years now and I don't worry, per say, about how many students are gonna show up to a class I teach. But whether I like it or not (which I don't, I do NOT like it at all), I realize that size still matters.  I get asked all the time:
"Hey, how many people were in your class? Hey, did you have a big class? Hey, did you hear how many students were in so 'n so's class?"
Hey, know what? NO!!! and I don't want to know, don't care, don't want to hear and feel very insecure every time its brought up so please stop discussing the size of a frickn' yoga class, its not helping anyone.  And for as much as I want to believe and embrace the idea that I have no ego, obviously I haven't gotten there... yet.
There is so much I do love about teaching both a huge energetic class and a small intimate class and there are lessons I gather from both. Big classes affirm that I'm doing something right, they make me feel successful in my work and help me practice keeping a delicate balance between controlling the room and still invoking the real freedom for the students to take their practice into their own hands and feet.  Small classes remind me of the amazing connections I have with students, of how every single person there matters, and that even though there is so much space to move and flow, there is no place for an ego in the yoga room, not for student or teacher.

Yoga teachers are so self-confident and more bullshit

I walk around a room guiding some of the most beautiful people through a yoga class. At times there are more than seventy people at once waiting for me to call out the next pose, to play the next song, and to give them the loving touch that they need.  I forget about myself for that hour.  I am with them, each of them and all of them. Listening for breath, I am hyper-aware of my surroundings and yet in a sense out of my own body.  Its all about them and for this time, I have no insecurities as I attempt to give the students an opportunity to get into their bodies and be free in the present moment. I forget that I have dimples on my legs that led me to start weekly appointments to have my thighs massaged by some stranger in an office to try and get the ripples out.  I forget that when I wave my arm to say hello to others, I now need to keep it close to my body so the grandma flab on my arms doesn't get caught up in a gust of wind and start flapping uncontrollably.  I forget about the scar that mars my face and my boobs, oh my boobs, poor deflated boobies. I even forget I have social anxiety. For 1 hour, I am unafraid to be close to others, to use my voice, to open my heart, and to be seen just as I am...because I forget about me.
I suppose it would appear that I am confident, that most yoga teachers would have to be.  We are in front of lots people every day.  Not just in front of them, but leading them with precision and accuracy and love.  Yet the second the class is over and I have shared my gratitude, at least in my case, I step back into my own mind. The mind of an aging female yoga teacher who has serious insecurities.  I'm not skinny or tall or ethereal.  I'm also not really that old (unless you are under 30) but I am self-conscious about my age and what is happening to my body.  But even more than that, and this one is especially hard to admit, I want to be liked by everyone, especially yoga students.  Ughhhhh, I hate it but its true. I'm also fully aware that I don't come off this way, as someone who would give a shit.  Its probably part of why some people don't like me. There are students who won't come to the classes I teach or who come and then leave way before the end of class. Others take a class with me and never return, while some won't even acknowledge me or even worse, they take the time to discuss how badly I suck or what a bitch I am. I have been in a dressing room at the studio and heard discussions of those who are not so fond.  I've sat at a restaurant and listened to the table of non-yoga people talk about some yoga teachers and "me", while all the time holding my breath waiting for it to end.
I think for the first 6 months that I taught yoga, I came home at least 3 days a week only to crawl into bed and sob. I would call my family and friends for reassurance, they would remind me that I was strong and doing what I loved and that people would eventually "come around".  In the worst of times, I was sure I needed to quit teaching yoga and become less visible, less vulnerable to the judgement of others.  As time passed and I became a more experienced teacher, I was able to focus on the love and recognize that maybe, just maybe, these people were my sacred teachers, not just thorns in my side.  They have kept me humble, encouraged me to work even harder, and helped me let go of any ego I may have been holding onto. But it still stings and I cannot resist taking it personally.  One of the 4 agreements is not to take things personal.  Yea, yea...obviously still working on that one.  The truth is that sometimes it is personal, some people just don't like me or like the way I teach yoga.   Even though yoga helps use quell our preferences and aversions, most of us know what we like or dislike.  I can accept that but I definitely don't enjoy having people not like me, it hurts my feelings.  I know its ridiculous, I know that nobody in the entire world is likable to everyone but can't I be the one exception? Puleeeeeez!  Universe if you hear me, can you help me?  I know!!! Its not gonna happen and that whole rah-rah "eventually they'll come around" bullshit, nope, that didn't happen either. 
I guess I understand a little better when I think of my own body, my wonderful, kind, strong body who just wants to be loved.  Thing is, I still can't stand my thighs, my swinging arm flab or the occasional adult acne breakout. These things just doesn't really jibe with me and I'm thinking they probably never will. 
So my sacred teachers, I think I get it, I'm not your cup of tea. However, I am grateful and I love you and you are beautiful but ya' know what? I really love the people who love me back a little more. 
Wow, I still have a long way to go on this yoga path and now I feel really uncomfortable...worried you might spend your next class observing my imperfect body or even worse, like me a little less because I have spoken my truth...but this is part of the process; to grow and take risks, to put myself out their just like I ask the students to do and hopefully give someone else permission to find, live, and speak their truth.
(Publish now before fear overcomes me!)  and please don't look at my sad, deflated boobies, may wear a push-up bra for the next few weeks. namaste!

fight, flight, or teach

Preface:  I am madly, deeply, passionately in love with my amazing husband

I spent the night scheming.  I would pack up my things quietly, subtly, making sure nothing obvious was askew.  Sometime during the day, when the house was quiet, I would stuff everything I could into my car, along with my 3 animal companions, and drive away.  I'd head South and drive into a simple life, starting over again, just me and my trusted animal friends.  I'd be anonymous, unknown, and free. Easy breezy baby, here I come.
I have to admit, this was not a new experience.  I have been running away since I was 7 years old, but when I was a child I never had the intention of not returning, I just wanted to make a statement, to be missed.  The worst part was that upon my return, nobody ever knew I had "run away".  It had always been in vain, returning home only to be greeted by " hurry up, its time for dinner" or something just as ridiculous.  I was sixteen by the time someone noticed I had been gone, 9 years of wasted attempts for attention, and when I finally got caught I was sent away to boarding school.  Not exactly what I'd had in mind, it was just for show, hello!!! 
But I'm a grown up now and it would be different, I wasn't intending to come back, well at least not soon enough so that it wouldn't be noticed.  Ah, shit!  I needed to get a sub for class first thing in the morning, I couldn't just leave the students there, waiting for someone to arrive, wondering what the hell was going on. I could see it clearly.  One of the veteran practitioners trying to rally the students, "lets just start doing Sun A's", while the front desk staff scrambled to find me, then a sub, as students trickled out of the studio.  No, I couldn't do that.
 I slept fitfully for a few hours and started making calls at 7am.  Getting a sub is rarely a problem but not on this day.  Nobody was available! Really?!  Hmmm, abort plan and revisit after class. 
I showed up with a heavy heart to teach and as I asked all the students to start in a seated meditation, I realized there were no men in the class.  This has only happened on 2 other occasions in the 5 years I have been teaching.  No sub and all women? Maybe the universe was speaking to me but I didn't know what I supposed to be hearing. 
Sun salutation A, a modified B..."allow yourself, intentionally take yourself to the edge" as the students held chair posture at the front of their mat.  I wanted them to purposely feel the discomfort, the burning, the desire to run, or the urge to tell me to "fuck off" (not out loud though). They held it, they used their breath and stayed there for an almost ridiculous amount of time.  This would remind them how strong they were, how powerful their mind was, and how sometimes by just staying in the midst of this intense discomfort, things could change by just deciding to stay and breathe.
Sun salutation C.  I called out the flow, while sharing how I had tried to run away.  We all laughed, we all understood 'cause it seems that we have all been there. I have read stories about people who do it, women who just pack up and leave.  Was I going to be one of them? Was I going to ask all the students to stay with these feelings, to go to the edge, to willingly bring on those fight/flight instincts but to choose to just breath into it instead of react and then I, myself, run like a madwoman?  No way! In that moment they became my teachers.  I watched them intently.  I could feel their strength and determination.  Sweat pouring off each woman, breath barely keeping them afloat, and not one abandoned their practice. I was among a bunch of warriors, real live warriors who were showing me how its done.  At the end of class, I thanked them and it came from the depth of my soul.  I wasn't just giving thanks for showing up, I was thanking them for teaching me today.  I gave everything I could to them and in turn, they offered me hope, reminding me that discomfort and adversity is the perfect opportunity to dig deep inside and find the strength that resides in each of us. They inspired me to work harder rather than seek the easiest path, just like they had all done this morning.  It was my turn to be a student and stay, to be with things as they are and know that nothing is permanent.

I left the studio and noticed that the sun was out and it was a beautiful, warm day, a perfect day for a road trip.  I got in my car and started to drive...home. 

PS- I am still madly, deeply, passionately in love with my amazing husband:)

i just teach yoga

I teach yoga full-time.  I believe from the depths of my soul that I was put on this earth specifically to do this even though it took me a long time to get here.  I teach Hot Vinyasa every single day at one of the most "successful" studios in the country and after almost 5 years I am still amazed that I get to do this and pay my bills.  Now, I realize that I may lose some of you (maybe many of you) by what I will be revealing and exposing and writing, but its time.  There seems to be an idea floating around that yoga teachers are all the same; that we are selfless, equanimous, skinny, perfect and guru-like; that we only wear white, only eat healthy, and only do good.  Some believe that our lives are simple, while we spend our time meditating and teaching and studying.  Maybe that is true for some teachers, but not me, not yet anyway. Hats off to them!
So here we go....I am not a vegan and I smoke cigarettes. Are you still there?  I have road rage on occasion,  my mood is often effected by the number on the scale each morning, and I only wear white when I'm trying to portray a little innocence to turn my husband on before bed.  I have panic disorder and take medication for it, yes, prescription medication and I get anxious in social settings to the point where I could be described as a loner or hermit.  I love sugar, white sugar, and ice-cream with all the stuff and I even enjoy a few reality TV shows.  I can be selfish, insecure, uncompromising, and irrational. Oh, and I am vain, really  vain.
Now, if you're still there, welcome to my blog about being a real person, maybe just like you, who happens to teach yoga and is a yogini. 
I am not all bad nor a yoga rebel but I am a work in progress.  I love so hard.  I love all the students I teach with passion and I would do anything for my four legged animal companions, or anyone else's for that matter.  I believe in the power of yoga to grow and heal and change.  I want to make a difference in the world and create a happier place for us all to be in together.  I do meditate, I practice yoga everyday, and I rarely eat animal products and never consume their flesh.  I give everything I have, in every class I teach, because I want to help people who are ready to change themselves.  Its my purpose, my calling, my duty on this planet to do good and teaching yoga allows me the opportunity for this.  I may disappoint you and this scares me, but my hope is that I can inspire you to take chances, follow your heart, to believe in your own strength and wisdom, and to recognize that we are all much more alike than we are different.  Every time I teach I ask the students to be real, to take chances, and to allow themselves to feel uncomfortable knowing this will help them to grow.  I am doing the same thing with this blog.
 I am far from perfect but I have stories to share and knowledge gained on and off the mat that I hope you will connect with.  Maybe you'll feel a little less alone and become more forgiving of yourself and others. I will write about students, classes, mishaps, heartbreak, and joy.  I'll post pictures and quotes and stories that I hope in some way will bring us all closer.  I believe that yoga brings the opportunity to liberate ourselves from the prisons of our mind and make changes that lead to living a more fulfilling, authentic life.  Welcome all...as you are.  namaste-