fight, flight, or teach

Preface:  I am madly, deeply, passionately in love with my amazing husband

I spent the night scheming.  I would pack up my things quietly, subtly, making sure nothing obvious was askew.  Sometime during the day, when the house was quiet, I would stuff everything I could into my car, along with my 3 animal companions, and drive away.  I'd head South and drive into a simple life, starting over again, just me and my trusted animal friends.  I'd be anonymous, unknown, and free. Easy breezy baby, here I come.
I have to admit, this was not a new experience.  I have been running away since I was 7 years old, but when I was a child I never had the intention of not returning, I just wanted to make a statement, to be missed.  The worst part was that upon my return, nobody ever knew I had "run away".  It had always been in vain, returning home only to be greeted by " hurry up, its time for dinner" or something just as ridiculous.  I was sixteen by the time someone noticed I had been gone, 9 years of wasted attempts for attention, and when I finally got caught I was sent away to boarding school.  Not exactly what I'd had in mind, it was just for show, hello!!! 
But I'm a grown up now and it would be different, I wasn't intending to come back, well at least not soon enough so that it wouldn't be noticed.  Ah, shit!  I needed to get a sub for class first thing in the morning, I couldn't just leave the students there, waiting for someone to arrive, wondering what the hell was going on. I could see it clearly.  One of the veteran practitioners trying to rally the students, "lets just start doing Sun A's", while the front desk staff scrambled to find me, then a sub, as students trickled out of the studio.  No, I couldn't do that.
 I slept fitfully for a few hours and started making calls at 7am.  Getting a sub is rarely a problem but not on this day.  Nobody was available! Really?!  Hmmm, abort plan and revisit after class. 
I showed up with a heavy heart to teach and as I asked all the students to start in a seated meditation, I realized there were no men in the class.  This has only happened on 2 other occasions in the 5 years I have been teaching.  No sub and all women? Maybe the universe was speaking to me but I didn't know what I supposed to be hearing. 
Sun salutation A, a modified B..."allow yourself, intentionally take yourself to the edge" as the students held chair posture at the front of their mat.  I wanted them to purposely feel the discomfort, the burning, the desire to run, or the urge to tell me to "fuck off" (not out loud though). They held it, they used their breath and stayed there for an almost ridiculous amount of time.  This would remind them how strong they were, how powerful their mind was, and how sometimes by just staying in the midst of this intense discomfort, things could change by just deciding to stay and breathe.
Sun salutation C.  I called out the flow, while sharing how I had tried to run away.  We all laughed, we all understood 'cause it seems that we have all been there. I have read stories about people who do it, women who just pack up and leave.  Was I going to be one of them? Was I going to ask all the students to stay with these feelings, to go to the edge, to willingly bring on those fight/flight instincts but to choose to just breath into it instead of react and then I, myself, run like a madwoman?  No way! In that moment they became my teachers.  I watched them intently.  I could feel their strength and determination.  Sweat pouring off each woman, breath barely keeping them afloat, and not one abandoned their practice. I was among a bunch of warriors, real live warriors who were showing me how its done.  At the end of class, I thanked them and it came from the depth of my soul.  I wasn't just giving thanks for showing up, I was thanking them for teaching me today.  I gave everything I could to them and in turn, they offered me hope, reminding me that discomfort and adversity is the perfect opportunity to dig deep inside and find the strength that resides in each of us. They inspired me to work harder rather than seek the easiest path, just like they had all done this morning.  It was my turn to be a student and stay, to be with things as they are and know that nothing is permanent.

I left the studio and noticed that the sun was out and it was a beautiful, warm day, a perfect day for a road trip.  I got in my car and started to drive...home. 

PS- I am still madly, deeply, passionately in love with my amazing husband:)